Professionally, I am known as a 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐂𝐨𝐚𝐜𝐡. However, I also incorporate my training in Applied Positive Psychology and trauma response work into my hashtag#services.

Today, I like to introduce my comprehensive services designed to support individuals, couples, and families in achieving stronger, more fulfilling relationships and a greater sense of well-being.

𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐲
As a Couples Therapist, I work with troubled relationships, providing a safe and non-judgmental space for couples to explore their challenges and work towards a more loving and supportive partnership, their dream relationship.

To achieve this, I focus primarily on enhancing hashtag#relationshipskills such as communication, conflict management, emotional regulation and mindfulness.

𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐂𝐨𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠
My Relationship Coaching services cater to a diverse range of individuals and groups, including:
🎯 Individuals seeking to enhance their romantic skills and confidence
🎯 Couples addressing specific issues, such as communication, conflict management, and navigating difficult money conversations
🎯Adult children and parents looking to improve their relationships
🎯Parents seeking guidance on effective child management
🎯Co-founders stuck in gridlock, needing facilitation to move forward

My Relationship Coaching services help couples address specific issues, including communication, conflict management, and navigating difficult money conversations. I'm adept at helping couples work through challenging topics like finances where I guide them in open and productive dialogues to uncover underlying beliefs and experiences. This fosters mutual understanding, empathy, and aligned decision-making, ultimately strengthening their partnership.

𝐏𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐏𝐬𝐲𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐲
Drawing on my background in Applied Positive Psychology, I empower individuals and couples to identify and leverage their strengths, cultivating resilience, happiness, and well-being.

𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐮𝐦𝐚 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐤: 𝐌𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐥 𝐄𝐲𝐞 𝐌𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 (𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐈)
For individuals and couples who have experienced trauma, I offer specialized trauma response work using 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐈. This approach helps process and integrate traumatic experiences, reducing symptoms and promoting healing. Clients can reclaim their power and move forward with greater resilience.

𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐡 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧
As a Mental Health Practitioner, I'm dedicated to supporting clients in achieving optimal mental wellness, the foundation of a fulfilling life.

Together, these diverse services allow me to take a holistic approach to empowering relationships and well-being. I invite you to reach out and take the first step.

Sincerely
Winifred Ling 🐦‍🔥 (M.Couns, GDAPP, CMEMIP-1)

The theme for International Women’s Day this year is #BreakTheBias

Today, I like to talk about a slightly different type of #bias that women face, and that is the invisible wounds that women experience when they suffer from psychological, mental and emotional distress resulting from a toxic and detrimental relationship with an intimate partner. Typically these wounds lead them to suffer from mentalhealth issues such as depression, anxiety or complexPTSD.

In my practice, I have seen women who belong to this category where their psychological and emotional pain is not quite taken as seriously as a physical and sexual assault. As far as I know, currently there’s no legal protection for them in Singapore. Please correct me if I am wrong.

Of note will be those who suffer from NarcissisticAbuse.

"Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse perpetrated by someone who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. These individuals have a tendency – whether conscious or unconscious – to use words and language in manipulative ways to damage, alter, or otherwise control their partner’s behaviour."

The bias that I hope to break is that society will recognise these invisible wounds as valid, and actions and steps will be taken to move towards a judicial system that is #inclusive of them.

Many of the survivors that I have worked with have expressed their desire to create a greater awareness to educate women, young and old, of the warning signs of a detrimental relationship. I have written an article on it and you can read it here:

Do share it with those you know who might benefit from it.

I also wish to acknowledge the strength and resilience of these women who have overcome such painful experiences. Some manage to recover and form healthier relationships while others are still triggered and fearful to commit to new relationship.

Do you know of woman who have shared their heart-breaking stories and how they rebuild their trust in themselves after being gaslighted and blamed for a long time? If you have been through such process yourself, know that I see you and you’re not alone. We celebrate your strength today. Seek help if you need to so that you can flourish again.

To break the bias, it is imperative that we model what a healthy relationship look like to our children, learn to break the negative #cycle ourselves, create #dialogue and sharing of information on how to build a strong and resilient relationship.

Happy International Women’s Day! May we recognise the biases that we have within ourselves, be courageous to confront them and take necessary actions to change and grow, and build the society that we want to see for our children and their children.

I made an analysis of the 10 Rules of Marriage that I found on the internet recently and received several requests for proactive and positive rules that couples can abide by.

Based on what I understand and practise as a relationship expert, I came up with Winifred’s 10 "rules" that I hope will encourage you to invest in your marriage or relationship. These rules are derived from the principles used in Gottman Method Couples Therapy as well as Applied Positive Psychology that I am skilled in.

While I call them "rules", they are not cast in stone. Pick and decide with your partner on the rules that are most relevant to your current stage of relationship. Let's dive in and look at each of them.

1. Be a safe harbour to each other

 What this means is that you will be the person that your partner will turn to for connection, support, comfort and love. There is intimacy and closeness when you can be your real and authentic self. You also prioritise each other when you make decisions. For this safe harbour to be strong, you make effort to safeguard the relationship by setting clear boundaries on rules of engagement with the opposite sex. You don't take the marriage for granted. For couples who share the same faith, pray and grow your faith together.

2. Adopt a growth mindset

Be willing to learn and change, recognising that there are skills that each of you can learn in order to deepen your relationship and connection. Instead of seeing your partner from your own perspective and forming your own conclusions, entertain the possibility of discovering new things about each other. Continue to work on being the best version of yourself for each other. Cultivate self-awareness so that you can continue to reveal your true self to your partner.

3. Listen, summarise and validate

The first rule in listening to each other is that you're not both talking at the same time! Unfortunately, I observe the contrary a lot in my couples. After a while, both persons are talking at the same time and no one is listening. Always take turns to speak. To ensure that you are truly listening, make sure that you are able to summarise and validate the point or position of your partner to his/her satisfaction. Always check to see if you've heard each other's side of the story correctly. This is the foundation of good communication.

4. Practise gratitude

Much research has shown the importance of gratitude not only in the formation of a new relationship but also in the successful maintenance of these intimate bonds. Additionally, the experience of gratitude enables you to feel closer to your partner thereby leading to a greater satisfaction in the relationship. When you are grateful for your relationship, you're less likely to compare yourself or your partner with someone else. Learn to focus on what is good in your partner and the relationship will become stronger and deeper. Verbalise your gratitude to your partner frequently to minimise the feeling of being underappreciated.

5. Do small things often

It is more important to show your care and love through tangible actions frequently rather than doing a grand gesture once or twice a year on special occasions. You strengthen the emotional connection between the two of you when you do small acts of service and love to your partner by sending a message to encourage him or her on a challenging day or to share in the joy of small wins. Identify your partner's love language and show your love accordingly in a way that he or she can receive and appreciate. Thank each other regularly, affirm the virtues you admire in one another and be willing to apologise first to repair any regrettable incidence.

6. Build a healthy love bank

A "love bank" is a collection of what makes you feel connected, cared for and valued by your partner. The concept is similar to a normal bank account where there are deposits and withdrawals. When you build more positive interactions with your partner, your emotional love bank account flourishes. You feel safe and secure. Even if you have a "withdrawal" (for example, a small argument), it doesn't feel too threatening. You know that you have sufficient amount in that will not result in a deficit. When you notice that your partner or you are getting more annoyed and easily triggered,there is a danger that you may need an overdraft. For example, things that don't usually bother you about your partner's behaviour, irritate you now. Pay attention to it and put in effort to increase the emotional connection. Ways to increase your love bank include understanding your partner's inner world, showing fondness and admiration, and turning towards his or her bids for connection. Repeat #3, #4 and #5. Be mindful not to turn this into a game of reciprocity where comparisons are made on who's done more.

7. Approach conflict with curiosity

The ability to regulate conflicts is critical to the success of a relationship. When you address your differences adequately, they are less likely to snowball into a massive conflict. When you find yourself in a different position from that of your partner, be curious and ask questions about his or her position so that you can deepen your understanding of your partner. What happens more often than not is an assumption is made that your partner is  making your life difficult by being oppositional or disagreeable. This perception is detrimental as you begin to assume the worst in each other. Those who are conflict-avoidant often find it challenging to regulate their own emotions and the emotions of their partner during conflicts. It's important for them to learn the skill to call for a break so that they can self-soothe before continuing with the emotionally-charged conversation. When you are curious and re-frame your conflict as an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other, the differences become less daunting.

8. Be playful and laugh a lot

Recall the time when you first got together: there were easy conversations, plenty of laughter and fun. As you progress to different stages of the relationship, responsibilities and burdens will increase. As such, it is easy to slip into a routine and forget about having fun together. Cultivate and utilise your sense of humour as it is a good way to connect with your partner and to lift the mood when the going gets tough. Watch comedies, share jokes and funny stories so that you can laugh together. If you have kids, laugh with them too. Life is hard and it will be harder when we take everything too seriously.

9. Support each other's dreams

Couples who decide to be committed and marry each other usually have dreams in mind. When you are not intentional in having such an important conversation with your partner about their dreams, it is easy to be consumed by day-to-day tasks and activities that you forget the big picture. Take time to find out and revisit your partner's dreams regularly. Initiate such conversations when you'd like to take a new direction in your life. You can enhance your relationship by creating shared meaning and dreams. Common ones include building a family and home together, finding a cause that's meaningful for you to support, creating impact through the work that you do either professionally or in the community you serve. Discussion of such dreams is important as it will affect the decisions that you make as a couple and family.

10. Accept influence and compromise

It is impossible to always find agreement between two individuals. Therefore being able to accept influence and compromise is key to the success of the relationship. Accepting influence is about developing your ability to find a point of agreement in your partner's position. It is not about insisting that you're right or finding evidence that your partner is wrong all the time. In accepting influence, it doesn't mean that you need to change into someone you are not. You need to have a good sense of who you are at your core, and be sure to protect it so that you are not coerced into becoming someone else. If you make the decision to be the person that your partner needs you to be, accept your responsibility for that decision rather than blaming it on your partner. The challenge in accepting influence is really about relinquishing your control and preferences some of the time to prioritise the needs of your partner.

I'd really love to hear what you think of these "rules" and which might be the ones that you will focus on cultivating and practicing. Feel free to email me your thoughts and questions.

If you find this blog post helpful, you have my permission to  share it with your friends and family.

Throughout my years of searching for success, I’ve met with many generous souls along the way. But there’s no one quite like failure. Today I am expressing my gratitude for what failure has taught me by sharing my story through Calm Collective Asia.

This was my neighbourhood in the Bay Area of California when I was living as a trailing spouse for about 5.5 years. I loved going for long walks where I slowed down and smelled the roses.

Outwardly, I was living a charmed life; going to places, travelling and having the greatest fun of my life. To be fair, I did enjoy my life and I still consider it one of the best periods of my life with my husband.

What many didn't know was the displacement and sense of lost that I felt on a daily basis when I was alone. For about 2 years, I felt very lost with regards to my career. At that point in time, I had just undergone two brain surgeries, recovering from a #stroke, gotten married, quit my job and relocated to a new country, all within the span of 1 year.

My life was pretty isolated. My visa didn’t permit me to have a paid work. Because of my stroke, I couldn’t drive and I lived in a suburb where majority of people drove which meant that the public transport wasn't great. This was before the explosion of ride-sharing.

I was stuck at home, alone with my thoughts; and the demons created a lot of  self-doubt. I couldn’t let go of the narrow definition of success. I knew that I was smart and yet there was no proof of it.

I was without a paid job, direction and identity. My husband and I wanted to have a baby and every month it was only heartbreak and disappointment. I applied for a Master program in Applied Positive Psychology and it was also rejected. All the doors that I knocked closed on me.

My morale was at an all-time low.

I started to curate my own learning and attended conferences within the field of #psychotherapy, lectures at #Stanford and #Berkeley and I read a lot. I decided that I can be a thought leader, combining my love of learning, writing and sharing. That's when I started my site- Winifred & You: Flourishing Together in 2011, exactly 10 years ago.

How did I #redefine my failure?
💙 It is okay to be lost.
💙 I accepted that there are seasons in life where I may not be creating impact in a big way. It is okay to be faithful to the small and mundane things in life.
💙 I decided that my self-worth is not dependent on what I do and how much money I have.
💙 I focused on doing what is meaningful to me.
💙 I know I can always bounce back.
 
I am grateful for the lessons that this failure have taught me. I become a wiser, more compassionate and understanding as a result.

The #RedefiningFailure campaign will be running between 11 - 15 October.  Come take part in this campaign and share your story. Tag #RedefiningFailure #CalmCollectiveAsia in your post. 

#selfdiscovery #flourishinglife #resilience #positivepsychology #adversity

This little girl was very timid and anxious but also curious about human behaviour. She grew up in a small town upstream of Rejang River in Sarawak with limited exposure. She loved reading and studying. Doing well in exams and being praised by teachers made her feel good about herself so she continued to strive for the best, which became her identity.

She learned early life that it is important to build social and relational capital. She was a good friend to those around her, sometimes to the point of ignoring her own preferences and needs. She became a people-pleaser and approval seeker without realising.

She relocated to Singapore at age 18 and a new journey of self-discovery began. She faced her first massive failure and started to feel stupid being in one of the top colleges. Yet, her superpower in being nice and great at making friends helped her through. She rebounded and did exceptionally well in the university and her confidence was restored. Armed with a good degree and positive attitude, she was ready to take on the world.

She soon learned that life is full of twists and turns, and she faced one setbacks after the other. Among others, she lasted in her first job for only 6 months, 5 months in the next. She found her calling as a Psychologist but fell ill and suffered from strokes and had to undergo two brain surgeries. It was a dark period of her life but she persisted.

In all of these, she never gave up. Today, she found her meaning and purpose in supporting individuals to pursue the relationship of their dreams as a Couple Therapist and Relationship Coach. From her own childhood, she experienced and understood the pain of being in a dysfunctional family and she works hard to help other couples and families to build a more harmonious and healthy relationship. The legacy that she hopes to leave behind to shift the mindset of individuals with regards to early intervention in couple counselling, and normalizing couple coaching as a health check.
 
This little girl is me!
 
To my precious daughter and all the little girls out there: you are worthy and enough. When you know of the strength and goodness that is within you, you will find the resilience and courage to overcome any challenges in your life and pursue dreams that will add meaning and purpose to your life. Don’t be afraid of failure and setback; they are wonderful teachers, and you are tough enough to handle them. Lean on your friends and family and invest in relationships always because at the end of the day we are social creatures whose core need is to belong.

Why am I telling you this? Because 70% of girls feel more confident about their futures after hearing from women role models.

Join me in this Inspiring girls Campaign!

Inspiring Girls International
Inspiring Girls Singapore
#ThisLittleGirlIsMe
#InspiringGirls
#InspiringWomen
#couplestherapy #relationshipcoaching

#investinmarriage

#normalisecouplecoaching #resilience

#earlyintervention #strongmarriagestrongsociety

I was reading the anniversary post that I wrote 7 years ago and realise how every words remain true. I have said it many times and will continue to say how grateful I am for the second chance in life that I have been given.

True, it was a massive disruption and detour to my life when I first got sick in 2004, and undergoing the treatment,  recovery from stroke and figuring out what to do with my life at the ripe age of 32 was very tough and painful. Looking back it was worth my effort to keep believing that something good will come out of it and there is a purpose for the suffering I had gone through. 

This month, I also want to commemorate the 10th birthday of this website - Winifred and You: Flourishing Together. I am grateful that I took the bold step then to start this space for me to share my thoughts, insights and experience, in particular for a very special group of people who suffer from Moya Moya Disease.  There was so much anxiety around how my writing will be received and concerns about judgment from those who might think that I am oversharing and so on. I struggled with that frequently and I am proud that I didn't allow that to stop me. I believe there is a space for my voice and I was determine to create it through this space.

I still love to write and share very much. I realise that I also love to read what I had written previously as it fills me with hope, inspiration and encouragement. It is my hope that I will get back to regular writing as I have much to share especially in the area of my expertise in equipping individuals with the skills to pursue the relationship of their dreams. Strong marriage leads to strong society. Much work needs to be done in this area to educate and intervene early. That's a story for another day and believe me, you will hear lots about it from me in the near future.

Thank you for reading this and for celebrating with me. I may or may not know you, dear reader but I appreciate your time in reading my post. Whatever situation you may in, I like to wish you peace, joy and strength.

May you be well,

May you be enough,

May you be secure,

May you live with ease.

Let's flourish together.

I attended a beautiful funeral mass today and feel so privileged to be among many who mourned the loss of an incredible woman. The church was filled to the brim on a weekday afternoon, the choir (who practiced an hour before) sang beautifully and the tribute given by the family was moving. There were also plenty of tears.

Last year, I attended at least five funeral masses and at each one I cried. To be honest, it was quite exhausting emotionally. It is not always an indication of my closeness to the deceased, for one or two of them I barely knew them. Yet, I cried.

I cry because I know how it feels like to lose someone close. I lost my dad almost 18 years ago. Even though the grief is not as intense, the void will always be there. At every funeral mass that I attend, I recall my own loss and share in the loss of the mourners. And so, I allow myself to cry and express my grief at funeral.

An insight came to me today that tears are proof that we love and care. And what a privilege it is that we have such close relationships in our lives that it hurts so bad when death happens. I think about the recent news that I have heard on social media of police looking for the next-of-kin-of those who passed away alone at the hospice or hospital. How tragic and sad it is to leave the world and no one significant cares.

What everyone craves primarily is connection and a sense of belonging. To belong, we necessarily will be hurt when the person we are in relationship with leaves us. This is inevitable.

The shift that happened in me is this; when I cry at funeral it means that I have cared or loved. There is also the feeling of gratitude that I have the chance to encounter this person in my life and witness how the individual had lived a life that’s meaningful, inspiring and impactful.

Let’s not shy away from tears and sadness; even as we celebrate the life of the deceased and have hope that one day, we will all reunite again in heaven. Tears are proof that we love and care.

One of the rituals that I practise after living in the US is to pause on Thanksgiving Day.  While we do not usually have a feast, I make it point to reflect and jot down what I am grateful for. This year, my gratitude list is long.

The series of events that happened the past week blew my mind and I am grateful for the spirit of courage, authenticity and vulnerability. This in fact has been the theme for me this year.

It started on Friday when I shared my perspective on PSLE and how there are more important life skills that we need to cultivate in order to face unexpected challenges in life.

On Sunday, the podcast that I had recorded earlier was launched – Getting Naked with Happiness with Stephen Lew. It was my first experience in doing a podcast and  definitely an exercise on vulnerability and courage.

To reinforce the lesson on the same, I had my first radio interview on CNA 938 on Monday evening. Prior to the interview, I was actually quite frazzled as I was late and the car that had I booked was cancelled. I dislike being late. Upon reaching the building, I was informed that my NRIC had not been registered!

I got to the studio about 10 minutes to 9 pm and when I met the presenter, Joshua Vong, his friendliness and warmth helped me to settle down quickly. I even managed to do a few rounds of deep breathing exercise to recenter myself.

I had such a great experience during the interview. While it was painful to recall those days where a constant dark cloud was hanging over me, I am thankful for the person I have become through that phoenix process. Because of my second lease in life, I strive to live my life more intentionally and with great meaning and purpose.

On Tuesday, we had our book club and the book we read was The Gift of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. I truly marvel at the timing of it all! We had such an open, meaningful and authentic conversations on the topic that all of us left the group feeling a deeper sense of connection and belonging towards one another. What a gift indeed!

I have so much to be grateful for this year; mostly for my exponential growth, challenges, vulnerability and courage to put myself out there and dare greatly. I learn to embrace setback and failures, and to be persistent in doing the next right thing.

I remind myself constantly of the fact that God equips those whom He has chosen and that my effort is more important than the outcome. I offer up my five loaves and two fishes and take the invitation from the Lord to walk on water with Him.

On this thanksgiving day, I want to express my gratitude to God for the lessons and opportunities that He has given me; for placing me among like-minded individuals who are passionate in pursuing our mission in being witnesses in the marketplace and work towards building a society that we hope to see. I am grateful for my deep desire and commitment for learning and growth, and my continued effort to pursue excellence in all that I do.

Wishing you a blessed thanksgiving day!

I was in an interesting position today.

When I arrived at a favourite food stall, I discovered to my dismay, I didn't have my wallet. These days, there are many places which allow for cashless payment but this stall didn't.

What should I do?  In my mind, I had two options:

1. Sulk, blame myself for not bringing my wallet and feed myself from a cashless stall.

2. Find a solution.

The solution that I could think of at that time was to borrow cash from someone and offer to transfer the money first. I have never done this before and I wasn't sure if anyone would be open to doing that.

In spite of my discomfort, I approached the lady in the queue, explained my predicament and asked if she would be willing to help me. After the initial surprise, she agreed. I was delighted and quickly did the transfer in her presence and once the transaction went through, she handed me the cash!

Woo hoo. I managed to get the coveted food and I savoured it deeply, literally and metaphorically,  for the lesson it has taught me.

The lesson is this:

When you want something badly enough, you will step out of your comfort zone, be creative about how you can achieve your goal and act on it.

It helps that I am an avid foodie and I was single-minded about wanting to eat that particular dish.

How would you have chosen? What are you willing to do to achieve your goals?

How can you tap into your strengths and think out of the box to get creative solution?

As we celebrate World Mental Health Day (10/10), I pause to remember the patients/clients whom I have worked with in the past 17 years. I want to recognize and honour their courage, resilience and grit in continue living even though it is so hard.

I am heartened that there are more open conversations on mental health compared to a decade ago. Earlier this year there was even the inaugural Singapore Mental Health Film Festival. More sufferers are willing to step forward courageously to share their stories to encourage and inspire fellow sufferers. All of these efforts are pointing in the right direction and we should persist.

What makes mental illness so painful is the shame that individuals feel; the fact that they are less than, inadequate, weak and worthless. Society has not arrived at a place where we can talk about it as openly as our physical health. At least, no one is hesitant to get a medical certificate from a general practitioner but one from Institute of Mental Health, no way!

How can we reduce the stigma of mental illness?

I have one suggestion that I like to propose and it is as follows:

we need to start sharing our “failure” or “screwed up” stories.

Every person undergoes challenges in life and experiences deep pain for various reasons.

For someone who suffers from mental illness, the natural thought is that “I am alone in this. Everyone but I can deal with life.” He/she looks around and sees “successful” people who seem to have it all and feel demoralised.

We, the supposed “successful” people have in some way perpetuate the stigma of mental illness by keeping silence and not share our pain openly.

Recently, I shared with a client of my struggle with anxiety and she was surprised because outwardly I appear mostly calm and confident. I believe my story gave her hope that if my therapist can overcome and learn to manage her anxiety, so can I.

The challenge that I want to extend to everyone is this: share your struggles, not just your victory.

When something painful is a common experience, there isn’t a need to hide the secret any longer and we can better support one another. Truthfully, all of us has some form of dysfunction; it is only a matter of degree and how well we manage it.

I shall walk the talk and share the times when I felt like a failure.

·     After getting a scholarship to come to study at a top Junior College, I did so poorly for my promo exam that I was put on probation. That was my first taste of failure as I had been an excellent student up until that point. My self-esteem took a hit and I seriously considered quitting school and return to my hometown. I persisted.

·     Being diagnosed with Moya Moya Disease and suffering stroke where I lost the ability to read and write and my right visual field.

·     The first year of my marriage was really tough. It caught me by surprise as we had a wonderful courtship and seemed to get along really well. We went through several challenges, including my brain surgeries and stroke. I was left confused and disillusioned. The upside of it is that I started to learn more about what makes relationship work and I ended up discovering my call and passion.

·     Infertility. As we looked forward to expanding our family, we received bad news after bad news with each visit to different specialists. I seriously felt that perhaps something was wrong with me that I was not good enough to be a mother. After 4 years, we had wanted to give up when our miracle baby came along.

·     The years that I was a trailing wife, I lost my sense of identity and I watched my peers moving ahead in their career and life while I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life at age 32. I couldn’t let go of the narrow definition of success. I was a nobody. It took me 3 years to re-calibrate and find my voice and I started my blog- Winifred & You, Flourishing Together.

The above wasn’t easy to write; it’s not what we usually do and it feels risky and uncomfortable.

That’s the challenge; are we ready to share and reveal the pain that we too keep in our hearts?

To de stigmatize mental illness, we need to acknowledge and embrace authenticity and vulnerability. As long as we breathe, we hurt. We fall and we rise.

Let’s share our resilient stories so that everyone else will be inspired to do the same. In so doing, we kill shame because it no longer has a hold on us.

Will you join me? #killshame #resilientstory

The article was first published on LinkedIn on 11/10/19

A question that I was asked recently is “how do I know when my relationship is ailing, and that intervention is needed”?  In other words, what are the warning signs that you should watch out for in order to take actions? Let’s examine the following:

1.    Lack of awareness, interest and knowledge

A strong and healthy relationship is one where both partners care and pay attention to what’s going on in each other’s life. Failing that, you lose the moments when you can connect and the sense that you are cherished is absent. When you are clueless and do not care about the external and internal world of your partner, it is a clear sign that your relationship is ailing.

2.    Feeling lonely in the relationship

There is an increase in feeling unappreciated, invisible and a lack of connection with your partner. You behave more like a housemate (and co-parent), and the conversations that you have are mostly functional. You can’t remember the last time you have a meaningful dialogue, much less feeling cared for. You start thinking the worst of the other and there is a negative sentiment override that signals trust is broken.

3.    Living a parallel life

Parallel lives happen when you no longer do things as a couple. Work may take you on many business trips and even when you’re back home, you and your partner have your own activities. Even though you live in the same house and sleep on the same bed, there is minimal communication and intimacy. This emotional distance and disengagement is a very hard place to be, a clear warning sign.

4.    No physical intimacy and sex

While there are periods of time when healthy couples do not actively engage in sex, it is a problem when one partner feels that the need is not being met. He or she feels frustrated and rejected to the point of resentment. Open communication is missing to express what lies behind the hurt and when this is not forthcoming, the relationship is in trouble.

5.    The waiting games

Unlike earlier days of the relationship where one partner (or both) was proactive in showing affection, expressing gratitude or initiating a date, the attitude now has changed to “why should I do it when he/she doesn’t bother?” The benefit of a doubt that you used to give to your partner is now replaced by suspicion and negative sentiment. The attitude is that of “I don’t want to risk getting hurt or rejected by taking the first move.”

6.    Comparison and keeping scores

As a social being, there is a great tendency to observe what other couples do for each other, compare them to what you and your partner are doing and feeling resentful about it. This behavior is detrimental because you stop seeing the good in your partner and start focusing on what is lacking. Expecting your partner to behave like your friend’s partner isn’t going to compel him/her to behave the same way. In fact, it conveys the message that “you are not good enough” and that’s hurtful.

7.    Stop being kind and respectful, and contempt is present

You might have heard that familiarity breeds contempt. Many at times, the people closest to us get the worst treatment. Instead of making requests, demands and complaints are being made. You stop minding the “please and thank you” and start taking your partner for granted. When your spouse feels that you’re kinder to everyone else but him/her, something is wrong with the picture. Treat your partner as you would your best friend. Relationship experts have found that the biggest predictor of divorce is contempt.

8.    Forgetting your love story and dreams.

Couples who are deeply in love remember details of their relationship. This is important as it strengthens the commitment they give to each other. These details become fuzzy when you stop giving attention to them. As the memory of your relationship starts to wane, you forget what brought you together and the dreams that you’ve shared. When that memory is gone, it is easier to give up on the relationship because it is no longer meaningful.

Please seek help by (reading up, speaking to trusted friends, seeing a relationship coach or couples therapist) should you have more than half of the warning signs. Relationship is like a plant that needs to be nurtured and it suffers when no attention is given. You reap what you sow.

If there are topics that you'd like me to address, please email me your suggestion at Ask Winifred. See you there.

As we celebrate children’s day, I am humbled as I reflect on what my 6-year-old has taught me. Truly, she has been a good teacher and she constantly invites me to be a better version of myself. Here are the key lessons that I have learned from my child.

1.     Stay in the present

I love to watch her engage in activities. When she plays, her focus is always on the present moment and it is seldom that she is distracted. When something unpleasant happens, she stays in the moment and expresses her frustration or sadness, and once the feelings are out she is ready to move on. When she is happy, her joy is pure and it's reflected on her face. She does it so effortlessly.

2.     Be free to express yourself

When I was a child, I was super self-conscious, and I was always fearful of judgement. I feel so gratified to see her being so free to express herself either through dance, art, story, and emotions. What I am most proud of is the fact that she is courageous enough to tell me when I have done something wrong and that she trusts me to be able to handle it.

3.     Quick to forgive and unconditional love

A child’s love is so pure and healing. There was a period of time when I was gripped by my own insecurity that I started to push her in her reading. I expressed my frustration and disappointment when she couldn’t read and as a 5-year-old, she was confused as her mummy who had always been kind, had turned into a monster who terrified her. When I realized my mistake and apologized to her, she was quick to forgive me and show her love.

4.     Be gentle and patient.

“Happy the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth”. I hardly experience or think much about gentleness till I have a child who is gentle. She speaks softly and gently and is sensitive to loud voices. I remember when she was 3 years old, I gave her a massage and it didn’t hit the spot. She waited for a while before telling me the way preferred. This year, I had the pleasure of her coaching me how to thread water. Again, she was gentle in giving her feedback and was super encouraging. She has the right disposition to be a good teacher.

5.     Play and take risk

From her, I discover that children learn about risks through playing. It is not always easy to trust that she can make her own assessment but I was greatly rewarded as she gained confidence and trust in herself. At a playground one day, there were several older kids and they were jumping from one structure to another. I noticed her observing them and making her assessment. When she decided that it wasn’t safe, she turned around and did her own thing. She isn't pressured into behaving like others and has a good sense of herself.

6.     Being resilient

She was born preterm at 32 weeks and spent the first 5 weeks of her life in the hospital. Consequently, she had a couple of conditions that had to be monitored and went through several procedures. One that I remember clearly was for her heart. The monitor indicated that she was in distress and yet she didn’t fuss. Amazing. These days, she continues to show resilience when she falls and trips, and almost always she believes in picking herself up and bounces back.

7.     Courage

By her own admittance, she is courageous. She shows courage by trying new things and experiences. It is quite a joy to bring her on travels with us because she is open to new experience. This year, she attended an overnight camp with her graduating class and was thrilled about it. More importantly, she shows courage by owning up to her wrongdoing and standing up for what is right. I hope that she will continue to be courageous in being true to who she is.

One of the most fundamental lessons that I learn as a parent is that I need to recognize and appreciate my child for who she is; not who I want her to be. When she has the freedom to be who she is, she thrives as we nurture and provide the right environment for her.

Let’s remember that:

“Every child is a different kind of flower, and all together, make this world a beautiful garden.

Happy children’s day!

What have you learned from your child(ren)?

Recently, I reread an old blog post (dated 24 June 2005) on the topic of on finding “the one”. It brought back good memories of those days when I was newly in love and feeling so excited that I finally found “the one”. Thankfully, after 15 years he remains “the one” albeit older.

With the benefit of a hindsight and the fact that I am now a specialist in romantic relationship, I like to tackle this topic once again, examining the criteria that I had used then. Let’s look at the criteria that I had used in determining that my now husband of 11 years is “the one”

1.     Free to be myself.

Right from the first meeting that we had, I felt comfortable being myself as we interacted. The conversation was easy, and I could sense that he was being authentic as well. As trust builds between us, we continue to reveal our true self, good and bad, to each other. When you feel that you are not free to be who you are in the relationship, this is a warning sign that he/she is not “the one”.

2.     The relationship is life-giving.

In the past 15 years, we have grown as individuals and as a couple. While there are fundamental differences between us and conflict resulting from them, we know that we are good for each other. This motivates us to work harder to communicate and understand each other. Growth is a key ingredient. The relationship gives me a sense of purpose to keep striving and be a better version of myself.

3.     Trust and reliability

Quoting from my earlier post –“I know that I’m his priority not just because he tells me that often but his actions show it. I can honestly say that I can wrap my life and put it inside a box and give the box to him to manage”. Trust is one of the foundations of relationship. There is no perfect relationship so there are times when the trust is violated. What’s more important is the effort in building that trust again when injury happens.

4.     We against the world

“Can this person go through hardship with me?” is a valid question that we should ask. It takes two hands to clap in the relationship and while it is hardly equal, both must be willing to go through challenges in life together. When I got to know my husband, I already had a rare disease. He made the decision to stick by me when he could have given up; and that says so much of the person that he is. To have a resilient relationship, the individuals in that partnership must be willing to face challenges with courage and determination.

5.     Commitment to each other

When we found each other, we were ready for long-term commitment and couldn’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together. You know you’ve found the one when you stop thinking if there was someone “better” out there. To have a lasting relationship, it is critical to choose and invest in the relationship daily and not take it for granted.

6.     Shared dreams

“Two is better than one” was a phrase I heard at a wedding many years ago. This is another factor to consider. Dreams drive us to strive hard, something that we live for. I believe that when a couple decides to get married, there is always a dream that they share. The shared dream that my husband and I had were to experience life together, be supportive of each other’s dreams and raise a happy family together. There is much room for each of us to pursue our mission in life and be willing to make certain sacrifices to support the other.

What I didn’t know that I do today about finding “the one” is that there is no perfect relationship; only good enough relationship. Also, I cannot count on my relationship to give me happiness because that is not the point the point of a marriage. Falling in love is easy; staying and making that commitment to love even when it’s difficult is another story. A lasting relationship is one where both partners put in the effort to understand self, stay connected and practice kindness, generosity and forgiveness.

It feels like a blink of an eye that 12 years have elapsed since my second brain surgery in 2007. As I reflect on the years that have passed, I marvel at how far I have come and the numerous opportunities and life experiences that I have had as a result of that decision. Even though I suffered a stroke that took away my peripheral vision and part of my working memory, I live a full and meaningful life. And life continues to surprise me and invites me to grow and flourish.

I made an impactful decision last September (on 17 September no less) to go back to school and did a Graduate Diploma in Applied Positive Psychology. As readers of this blog will know, I have been a fervent believer and practitioner of the field since a decade ago and I wanted to pursue deeper by enrolling in the course. I am pleased to share that I've completed the course in May.

What i didn't expect is that the course has reignited the passion and drive that has laid dormant for many years. In the company of fellow learners and seekers, my love for learning and drive for excellence was rekindled in ways that were beyond my expectation. I was truly nervous when I had to write my first academic paper last year because the previous time I did that, it was in year 2000! However, as I got into the groove on researching and writing, I felt like I was coming home. I am also grateful to my classmates and lecturers for the dynamic and fertile environment for learning.

I feel like a switch in me has been turned on and my passion in working with couples is reaffirmed. For one of my papers, I wrote about what I have observed and identified as the problems in couples therapy and the strategies that I have in mind in overcoming the problems. The process in preparing that paper gave such clarity to me that I now have a crystal-clear idea of my mission in life. If there is one thing that I hope to leave as a legacy it is this: that I have made a difference in shifting mindset of individuals with regards to early intervention in couple counselling and normalizing couple coaching as a health check. Divorce rate will hopefully go down when there are skill-based programmes that equip couples who are transitioning into parenthood with growth mindset and resilience. Ultimately, we will have a stronger society and future because children can focus fully on their natural development when their parents are thriving in the marriage. 

In September 2011, I launched this blog - Winifred & You - with the main intention of sharing my expertise and knowledge. I enjoy writing and sharing, and it is the perfect platform for me to communicate with all of you. Ever since the arrival of my daughter, the writing has taken a backseat. However, I have always known that there will be a season where I will return to it. Guess what? That time is now! I have made up my mind to invest my time in writing articles relating to relationship and marriage based on the research of scientists in the field of relationship as well as in positive psychology. Knowledge is power. With it we can make educated choices towards the goals that we have for ourselves and our families.

I want to thank you in advance for your support. Do let me know of the topics that are of interest to you and I will do my best to meet your requests. I am so grateful that September remains a truly special month after all these years.

Happy 12^th anniversary to me! I have a strong feeling that a new chapter in my work and life is about to begin. I am filled with immense gratitude for all the gifts that God has bestowed on me that I can use them in the service of others. What an honour it is that I can co-create with God and in so doing, I find my meaning, flow and accomplishment.

My dearest Olivia,

Your birthday letter this year is way overdue as we are already on the last day of February. As you know, the past month has been challenging and mama is preoccupied with one thing or the other. Yet, this letter for you has been at the back of my mind and I can't quite rest till it is written.

The word that I will choose to describe the past year's experience with you is phenomenal. You continue to blow my mind with how much you are learning, understanding and expressing. People were often surprised when they learned that you were 3-year-old because you spoke well.

2016 started out with great hope and anticipation as you were going to have a sibling or so we thought. You were so thrilled to be an older sister as you have been talking about becoming one. When the news of the miscarriage came, I shared it with you with a heavy heart. Initially, you denied it and said, "no, you are still pregnant, there is still baby".  We left it as that and didn't talk much about it. A few days later, as we were walking to the bus stop to go to school, you said the following to me: "mama, baby is not here anymore. Baby is in heaven." I was taken aback at that random pronouncement as we had never really spoken about baby being in heaven. Somehow, that brought me much comfort and it helped me tremendously in my grieving and healing process. Following that, you continued to show kindness, empathy and hold space for me, as I cried for the loss. When I cried, you would hold my hand, take the tissue and help wipe away my tears. To receive such level of emotional support from the 3-year-old you was not something that I had expected. Yes, I have known you to be a child with high empathy and to experience that support first hand touches me profoundly. Mama is so very  grateful for your unconditional love and support, my darling.

Major changes continued to happen in the first quarter of last year. Firstly, our dear Kakak D decided to leave us and return to her home country. In fact she left exactly a year ago. Incidentally, Aunty K left our employment today as well. You shared a a really close relationship with Kakak D and she was totally an older sister to you. I was very sad when she first told me of her intention to leave. It took me several weeks to get over my sense of loss. Surprisingly, you took it well. We went to the airport and spent the last few hours together. You managed to hold back your tears and it was us, the adults who broke down and cried during the farewell.

When Aunty K came to work for us in March last year, you welcomed her with open arms. She was a little reserved and quiet unlike Kakak D who was more extroverted. Your loveliness and warmth finally opened her up to you. We had to let her go because of unforeseen circumstance. Again, you demonstrated such maturity when you said your goodbye to her this morning. I learn a lot about letting go by observing how you do it. It has been our blessing to have had good helpers thus far. Now, it is time for us to be responsible and take ownership towards keeping the house neat, clean and tidy. It will be an adjustment but we will get there with time. 

The second major change that happened last year was that we transferred you from a childcare center to a kindergarten. What a tremendous change! From a small class of 15, you transitioned to a class of 18 with assembly and prayer in the morning together with all the students in the school. Not only that, you have to take the school bus to the kindergarten as well. To get ready for the school bus, we had to wake up much earlier at 6.15 am. That's very early for someone as little as you! Yet, you gave me little problem and would cooperate, most of the time. Of course there were times when you procrastinated and said that you didn't want to go to school but all in all, I think you did brilliantly.

It took you some time to adjust to the school set-up, understandably. In your childcare, you were among the oldest in the class since your birthday is in Jan. When you transferred to MK, you discovered that there were other older students, those who were in kindergarten one or two. In fact, your level was the youngest in the kindergarten. It wasn't easy for you at first as I suppose from being the jiejie, you became the meimei in this environment. Gradually, you adapted to going school independently on the school bus and you made new friends in the class. Mama is very proud of you and I have been impressed at your adaptability and openness. What I miss most is our time in the morning when I used to send you to school on the public bus. That time ended sooner than expected. Now, I savour the time when I bring you to the void deck to wait for the school bus. We do our little ritual of saying the morning prayers together and hearing you pray is truly music to my ears. This is precious time that I keep close to my heart because I know that in a few more years, you won't even need me to send you off to school.

As I reflected on the last year, what stood up most was how much more activities and outings that we did compared to when you were younger. At 3, you were ready to start going for classes unaccompanied and we decided to expose you to those areas that you've shown interest in. One of them is performing, both singing and dancing. We signed you up with Kids Performing and you stayed with them for two semesters and you did a total of four performances - two in schools and two with public audience. We were so thrilled to watch you perform the first time!  You sang 'Everyday Hero' for your first performance. While you didn't remember most of the the dance steps and lyric, it was great to see you confidently performing in front of the audience.

For your first performance for the public, you did two shows on the same day!! I was concerned about how you'd cope but you did it. I imagine that there was plenty of waiting and doing nothing as your segment was just a couple of minutes. It is not easy being a performer as there are lots of rehearsals and waiting period. It requires patience and perseverance. These are important virtues that you will need to inculcate. At this stage, the focus was really on exposure and we didn't really expect you to perform perfectly. And you tend to get distracted by the bright lights and people and not so focused on performing. That seemed to improve as you get older because on your last performance with them, you did so much better and appeared to have a lot of fun. At MK, your level also did a year-end mini concert and I thought you participated well and enjoyed yourself.

Other than the performing class, we also started you on swimming and an IQ/EQ class with People Impact. The latter is to develop your social skills and emotional management in the class setting. The classes are done mostly through games and over time, i started to hear you use words and phrases like "team work", "you are in my team, mama", and "we help each other". Team work, communication and people-skill are of course important skills that one needs to develop. I am glad that you're learning the lessons. While there was a period of time when you were not interested to go for the classes and the reason you gave was that you wanted to be with me. I am glad that we persevered because now you are benefiting from the classes and you no longer resist.

In addition, we did a lot more play dates with your ex-classmates from PSH. After all, these were your first friends in school so it's really wonderful that we live close by and could meet fairly regularly. We watched your first theater performance -, "The boy who cried wolf" -  and i think it left a deep impression. You knew the story and when the interpretation of the story was slightly different, you asked about it. It gave me the opportunity to explain how the same story in the book can be interpreted in different way through play. The other shows that you really enjoyed were Grandpa Cherry Blossom, 3 Little Pigs and 3 Billy Goats Gruff. Along with this, we've watched more movies as well. The first two times when you went to the cinema, you would be frightened and asked to leave. For example, you watched The Good Dinasaur with Yiyi, and had to leave the theatre when she saw you tearing. When we watched Finding Dory, you watched the whole show but left your seat at one small part. Now, you've gotten use to the idea of sitting down and watch the whole show. It is quite interesting for me to note the progression that you have gone through.

Oh yes, we went for the first mall show in September. To be honest, mama hates crowd and going to the mall for a show is not really my idea of fun. But I suppose being a mother changes me. Whatever that I can do to bring you a new experience and pleasure is something that I endeavor to do. So the show that we went for was Paw Patrol as you enjoyed the show quite a fair bit. Not surprisingly your favourite character is Sky. During live performances like these, I actually enjoy watching you more than the characters on stage. To see you actively participating and enjoying the performance brings me delight. Other new experiences that you have had in the past year include bowling, karaoke, playing badminton, sauna, onsen and ice-skating.

We did fun activities like visiting the fire station, going to the museums, the zoo,  different playgrounds and hiking in nature. Towards the second half of the year, I notice that you have better control of your body. You started to scoot more confidently and climbed more structures in the playground. You were no longer tentative and seemed to enjoy physical activity like running and climbing. This is very different from my own childhood as I wasn't permitted to explore the outdoor much.

Our favourite place is of course Bishan Park and mama is so glad that we have such a great park just a stone's throw away. I still remember the first time you scooted at Bishan Park. You were so thrilled. Initially, you were fearful of the small slope, and then i saw your eyes brighten up as you experienced the thrill and and the sense of achievement in overcoming your fear. And you would repeat it. What I love about you is that you don't let fear stop you from trying and that's exactly what I want you to embrace. Courage is not the absence of fear but taking action in spite of it. You've proven that you understood this since young. I remember the time when you fell off the swing when you were about 15-18 months old. You cried and then asked to be placed back on the swing immediately. You weren't afraid of the fall. In fact you countered the fear by going back to the source of fear. I really like that about you.

We started to do more baking and cooking at home as well. You are a good helper in the kitchen, always eager to help me with the pouring, stirring and cracking of eggs. You many not always eat what I make but when you do, you are usually generous with your praise. While I have tried doing art and craft with you, this is not something that I do well in. I know that I sometime frustrate you as I can see how my comments might be a dampener to you. I promise that I will learn to let go of my expectations and let you take the lead. I've also realised that you don't do well with pressure and "testing". When i tried to teach you the alphabets or numbers, you tend not to show interest. To be honest, I don't really enjoy drilling you because I believe learning will come naturally from interest and curiosity. You will know your alphabets and numbers eventually.

You are someone who is creative and indeed there is no limit to your imagination. Everything is possible. Your stories are often funny and sometimes a little dark. You talk about death easily. This is intentional because I believe that death is not a taboo subject and in order to live well we must be mindful of death. Ah, you also enjoy toilet humour! All in all, you have continued to expand in your creativity and what a good story-teller you are! Recently, you have also started to tell stories in mandarin and I am just so pleased to hear you speak in the language. Your favourite activity currently is pretend-play. I can understand how this is fun for you as it is so open-ended.

Last year, we were really blessed to be able to do several trips overseas. We went to Taichung and Taipei in March, Macau and Hong Kong in August, Spain in October, Taipei again in December with yiyi and lastly to Hello Kitty Town in Johor with Gracie's family. We have known you to be a great traveler and that's the main reason why we continue to plan for family trips with you. You are quite the pro in travelling now, no doubt about it. I had to travel solo with you to Barcelona and I was initially concerned. But you were such a trooper as you slept through 8 hours of the flight and woke up fresh when we arrived in Barcelona. Whether we were on land,  sea or air, you have no issue at all. In Taichung we went through winding roads to go to the countryside and you proved that you have no car sickness. The tour guide was quite impressed with you and commented that you have "character". You enjoy taking pictures of papa and me and you would direct us as to how to pose. It's quite hilarious most of the time. Sometimes we do get pretty nice shots from you and I kinda like the idea of having a personal photographer in you.

Ah yes, for a long time your city was Shanghai till we went to Macau. You love Macau because we saw an amazing show there - The House of the Dancing Water. You were engrossed from the start to finish and you loved it so much that we watched segments of the show on youtube very frequently. This was your first acrobatic show of high quality and what a privilege it is that you get to experience it at the ripe age of 3. My first show of such calibre was Quidam by Cirque Du Soleil and I was already in my late 20s.  We are thankful that we could provide you with experiences that can hopefully expand your horizon and learning. Exploring Barcelona and Madrid with you was fun. We made sure there were kids stuff like playground and zoo and "adult stuff" like museums and sight-seeing. I like that when the activity is not so interesting to you, you will choose to take a nap. You still enjoy being in the carrier and mama is grateful that you are lightweight!! Ah my back and shoulders! You have clear preference for me to carry you and have your weird logic about why papa can't use my carrier to carry you. In preparation for our next trip, we have gotten papa his own carrier so you will have no excuse of not letting him to carry you.

We really enjoy traveling with you, my darling.  While it is very tiring, having the shared experience and conversations that connect us more deeply is so worth all the effort. We hope that we can always explore the world together and for that my goal is to work on improving my health and fitness so that I can keep up with you! Speaking about health, we are thankful that your immunity seems to have improve and that TCM and tuina work for you. You are still rather prone to cough and cold but I have noticed that you recover faster now. We hope that your health will continue to strengthen.

Last year, you had your first taste of Hand Foot Mouth Disease. Thankfully, yours was atypical in that you did not present with fever and sores in the mouth. You had a few spots in your hands. The doctor decided that it was still HFMD. I was just glad that you were not badly affected by it. Recently, I've noted that you have an idol and his name is  Joseph Schooling. You watched that historic event when he won the gold medal for Singapore and you cheered along. You know who he is and when you talk about him you have a shy smile which is quite cute. Yes, there's plenty that you can emulate from him. My dear, he is more than his good look; what's more important is what a well-rounded, bright, kind and hardworking man he is. In fact, mama has so much to learn from his parents. Never underestimate the dreams that you might have. What's most important is how you strive to achieve your dreams. Oftentimes,  it is accompanied by hard work, diligence, sacrifices, perseverance and faith.

In the family, you brought tremendous joy to everyone especially to your popo. You are quite adept at understanding what is needed by different individual in the family. It's quite fascinating to observe. I notice that you are very calm for someone your age. Sometimes when I get worked up, you will speak to me with a tone that somehow would calm me down. To my surprise your response will often disarm me. What a gift you have.

To conclude this long letter, mama just want to say how blessed we are to have a child like you. What great blessing it is that I can spend critical this time with you, experiencing the milestones with you and watching you blossom into the beautiful and sweet little girl that you are. Overall, the past year was really pleasant and fun as you got better at managing your own emotions and therefore there were fewer tantrums and meltdown. I am very thankful that you are emotionally literate and have understood that all emotion is acceptable. You are comfortable in expressing both the positive and negative emotions and I take much pride in that. Being able to manage your emotions and that of others is truly one of the most important skills that you want to develop.

This year, I experienced a greater depth of your love, something which I didn't even know was possible. Truly, you are my spiritual director and teacher. By observing you, I learn so much and I am inspired daily to strive to a better version of myself. We influence each other and may the intimate bond that we share will never be broken no matter the trials and tests that come our way. Indeed, four looks amazing on you my baby. Looking forward to what this year will bring. As long as we are together, we will be able to surmount any challenge that life throws at us. We will embrace and use them to transform ourselves and become even more resilient and strong. May you discover God's steadfast love in the coming year and please be free to be you. We ask for God's continual guidance and wisdom in raising you to be the unique and beautiful individual that He has created in you.

Love you to the moon and back,

Your good enough mama

My dearest Olivia,

I can't imagine that another year has passed us by and you will be three years old tomorrow. As I put you to bed tonight, I reminded you that you will sleep as a two-year old for the last time and that you will be three tomorrow! You told me that you don't like being two and that you prefer to be three. Whether you are two or three, we love you all the same, my dearest.

For some reasons, you were a lot more challenging today and truly you tested my patience several times. I needed to be firm and set boundaries with you even as you said goodbye to terrific two. I never thought I'll say this but I love you being 2 years old. In fact I started to mourn the loss when you were 2.5 years old. I told you as much and that's when you replied that you prefer to be three.

While it had been a super intense and emotional year with more frequent outbursts, meltdowns and tantrums, I also get to experience the pure joy of your unconditional love. Furthermore, you truly come into your own this year, and even as I struggle with your challenging self I enjoy discovering who you are. It has been an eye-opener and I learn so much from you. I know that I am the most important person in your life at the moment and you want me so much that at times I feel suffocated. However, I remind myself that it is a stage that will pass and to relish it while it lasts. Thank you for making me feel so so loved and important, darling.

You are a funny, loving, caring, easy-going, creative and lovable child. Your social and emotional intelligence are rather impressive as you are generally good with people. That doesn't mean that you're always friendly. You choose your audience and when you're comfortable you reveal your true self. I am so thankful that I get to see all sides of you - your lovable and funny side as well as your difficult and dark side. I am consoled that you feel safe enough with me that you can freely expressed your dark sides as well. I promise that I will always accept who you are and that you will never fear being the real you when you are with me.

I love to hear you speak and have conversations with you. Your vocabulary has practically exploded sometime around 2.5. I can't quite remember. Suddenly, you spoke in full sentences and your comprehension was superb. You say the funniest and random things at times. I wish I could remember every single thing that you have said but it's simply not possible. I tried jotting them down and after a while I just couldn't keep up. Instead, I try to savour them as you say them.

Still there are days (like now) where I wish that i had better memory. You are eloquent and articulate for someone so young. Sometimes, you talk like an adult and I guess that's the consequence of being surrounded by adults. Your arguments are pretty sound most of the time and your comments are usually appropriate and spot on. We love how expressive you are. When you're happy, it's written all over your face. And when you're down, I'm thankful that you have the vocabulary to express the feelings adequately. It makes it so much easier for me to tune in and understand you.

You have adjusted well to school and we are grateful for that. The only downside from it is that you've been sick so often and so have I. It's a terrible cycle that we keep passing germs to one another. Mama certainly hope that your health and immunity will improve as you grow older. While you are a real trooper even when you're sick, it just breaks my heart to see you suffer.

You have a sensitive and loving heart. I have experienced empathy from you numerous time. I remember once I had a bandage on my finger and you wanted one on yours as well. When I am angry, you can usually tell me why I am upset. Your childcare teacher told me recently that she is thankful to have you in the class as you took upon yourself to take care of a younger new classmate. You watch out and comfort her when she's crying and also inform Miss V when something is amiss. Remarks like that always make me swell with pride. I too have observed how you are thoughtful towards younger children, in particular. Once we were in the mother's room and a baby was sleeping in the pram. Another older child had gone near the baby and fearing that she may disturb the little one, you held her hand, made the sign to keep quiet and led her away.

Ah, you love hotels and travelling, specifically being on the plane. You love Singapore Airline and will proclaim it loudly. Just recalling this made me smile. You've shown more awareness and you are quite a pro in terms of travelling as you are familiar with the steps; for example the luggage will be checked in, then we will go through immigration, boarding and so on. I love how adaptable you are and thus far, we have not had major challenges. Even when you were ill, you were still a trooper and enjoyed your flight most of the time. One of the things that impressed us is how you can generally self-entertain (and entertain us) with your own songs, "musicals" and stories. I love how creative you are and this is something that we really want to harness and cultivate in you.

Something that I want to record is the pride and joy I felt when I saw you overcome obstacles. We were in a children's playground in Shanghai and I witnessed your persistence, courage and grit. Mind you, you were in four layers which made it much harder for your mobility and yet you managed. I was most impressed when you persevered to get to the top of a slide. It was literally going against gravity and with the thick attire, you kept sliding down. Interestingly you went back to that particular structure after playing with other items in the playground and in the end your persistence paid off. When I saw you at the top of that slide i couldn't contained myself and jumped up and down in joy! I must have looked like an idiot. You looked equally pleased and accomplished yourself. That day, you overcame your fear and succeeded in climbing/playing 3 structures. So so proud of you!

I feel equally pleased and proud when i see how you show kindness and compassion to other people. Again we witnessed this when you spontaneously gave up your seat on the train for two elderly aunties in Shanghai. They were so full of praises for your thoughtfulness. Indeed, it is important to be gracious and kind, to be mindful of  people who might be in greater need than us. In our modern hectic life, what I fear is when we stop observing and being mindful of the needs of others because we are too engrossed with ourselves and/or our devices.

Speaking of devices, you have repeated told me to put down my phone when we are together. While it's somewhat embarrassing to talk about this openly, I want you to know that I will work on it. Thank you for being so patient with me. Some days, i can sense your frustration which is totally legitimate. I hope that I will change this terrible habit soon and that in the coming days, there isn't a need for you to even verbalise that to me. I am sorry if I had made you feel that my phone is more important than you. However, there are times when mama really need to work and I hope you'll be forgiving and understanding about it.

What a significant year the past year had been. I know as we journey along this year, there will be more challenges and wonderful experiences in store for us. I hope to savour and embrace all of it; that I will slow down and cherish the moments that we spend together. I feel so blessed that I can spend significant amount of time watching you grow and to be the first teacher in your life.

Motherhood is very hard on so many different levels. I have doubted if I am cut out for it in the past and I am so thankful that God has blessed us with you. You have helped me grown into my role with your unconditional love, examples and patience. And I grow to love being your mother. Each day, I thank God for choosing us to be your parents. What a huge responsibility, honour and trust that He has placed in us.

My dearest Olivia, it saddens me at times when you show little interest to pray or when you refuse to pray with us. Beyond raising you to be a flourishing adult, my ultimate goal is to raise you to love God. You are God's beloved child and that's your identity. Faith in God is the most important gift that my parents have given me and in the same way, that is what I want to pass on to you. I sincerely hope that in the coming year I will do a better job in modelling and sharing with you the love that God has for you and for each of us. Your godparents are here to journey with you as well.

Happy birthday, my love! You are three!!! Always remember that nothing can separate you from our love. There will be times when we fail and fall short but my promise is that I will strive to do better. Please continue to give me time and opportunities to be a better parent to you. Don't stop teaching me, okay?

Love you to the moon and back. "My delight, you are my delight. Think about you day and night. You are my delight. You are my delight." (This is our song that we've been singing together.)

Always loving you,

Your imperfect mama

Related Posts:

• Letter to Olivia: You are 2!
• Letter to Olivia: The night before you turn one
• Letter to Olivia: Your birth story
• Letter to Olivia: The first three months
• Letter to Olivia: The glorious months
• Letter to Olivia: Lessons from Mr Lee Kuan Yew's life

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Follow @WinifredLing on Twitter

My dearest Olivia,

The past few days we've been talking a lot about the passing of a very important person in Singapore. You have learned that he is the late Mr Lee Kuan Yew ye ye. Yes, he's definitely old enough to be your ye ye and he has been the ye ye of the entire nation for most part of his life.

A story that mama wants to share with you is that I came to Singapore in 1994 to pursue my education. This was made possible because of ASEAN Scholarship, which is awarded to exceptional students in ASEAN countries. Mama will always be grateful as I didn't have any other option then. Without the scholarship, I will most likely lead very different life. Here in Singapore, as long as you are willing to work hard and persevere it is possible to achieve success, however you may choose to define success. Mama will always be grateful for that one opportunity to come to Singapore and the numerous doors that it opened subsequently, including meeting your Singaporean papa 10 years later.

You will learn and read much about him in time to come. For now, mama wants to share with you what mama has learned (and still learning) from this great leader and what I hope to inculcate and nurture in you. In my opinion, the best way to honour someone's life is to continue his legacy in our own lives. 

1. Be a thinker.

My darling, as you grow older you will be inundated by a lot of views, opinions and thoughts; from school, books, friends, social media and from us your family. As a leader, it is critical that Mr Lee is crystal clear and laser-focused about what is important, be mindful of the consequences of the decisions that he makes and  able to maintain the vision that he has for the country. He must have practiced critical and strategic thinking all the time. Likewise, we need to sharpen our thinking skill because it is the only defense against our culture of distraction. It is too easy to be swayed by herd mentality and distracted by what is inconsequential. Deep thinking allows you to know and understand who you are, your values and what truly matters to you in life. It has been said that "the good life is a by-product of good thinking." As a thinker, you have to make time to ponder over issues, process and analyse information that you have before making your own judgment and conclusions.

2. Pursue your passion

Take your time to discover what is it that gives you the fire in your belly. Internal motivation will always triumphs external one because you will not need anyone to push you and when obstacles present themselves you will have the tenacity to overcome them. You want to do it because you believe in it and it gives you meaning and a sense of accomplishment. From his life, it is evident that Mr Lee's passion were Singapore, his country and relationships.  Whatever that he did flowed from his passion in making Singapore successful and maintaining close relationships especially that with his wife.

3. Authenticity - be true to yourself

If you wish to know if you're being authentic to yourself, ask the following questions - would i do or say the same thing when I am alone? Is there any discrepancy between what I truly believe in and my behaviours? Am i doing this to please and win others favour or am i doing this because i believe this is what I am called to do? Mr. Lee's life revealed that he was true to his principles and his beliefs in different aspects of his life, in his career as a stateman and family life as a husband and father. He was never afraid to speak his mind and truth to the people. He walked the talk and led by example.  When you are true to yourself, you have nothing to hide and you can only flourish and prosper.

4. Taking risk

When Mr Lee took the leadership as the first Prime Minister of Singapore, it was a different time and era. It was a tremendous risk and there was no guarantee that Singapore will even succeed. Despite that, he forged forward and led a group of dedicated people to make things work, by hook or by crook. His stake was enormous and he wasn't afraid of failure. In the same way, you mustn't be afraid of failure and avoid taking risks, my dear. Take small chances whenever you can. Learn to enjoy failure. Don't be afraid of it. Mama learned this lesson in the last few years myself and it's liberating. Let go of perfectionism. Go for growth mindset.

5. Persistence, hardiness and grit.

The common essence in the three qualities above is to never give up. This is of utmost importance in life. Without persistence, hardiness and grit, you will not be able to achieve much. Mr Lee's life exemplified these qualities beautifully and that brought him the accolades and tribute that he deserved today. When something is of utmost importance, one will naturally devote oneself into it. Consequently, this relates to point one and two above. You've got to know what is it that matters to you. Persistence implies discipline and consistency. Hardiness refers to how we bounce back when we experience setbacks and challenges in life. Despite roadblock and challenges, we have to persist and soldier on. Grit on the other hand refers to "firmness of character; indomitable spirit." Once you've worked on harnessing these three qualities, you have a very high chance of succeeding in life.

6. Be a lifelong learner

Mr Lee was a lifelong learner. He continued with his mandarin lessons until the end of his life. He has learned and used six different languages - English, Malay, Latin, Japanese, Mandarin and Hokkien. It is not necessary that you learn six different languages, my dear but the point is you must be interested in being a lifelong learner.Take interest in different subjects. Pick up a new knowledge in something that is foreign to you.  Learning keeps us humble, makes our brain works harder and allows us to push our own boundaries. Take delight in the process of learning, not merely focusing on the end goals. Make learning exciting and fun for yourself. Mama has found traveling to be an excellent way to broaden my horizon as I learn and appreciate the culture and beliefs of other people.

7. Give of yourself in the service of others.

Always remember that the gifts that God has blessed you with are to be shared in the service of others. We enjoy a prosperous and strong country today because a group of people including Mr Lee decided to give their life in service of the people years ago. They could have chosen other careers that can bring them fame and riches for themselves. Yes, we do have the option of living for ourselves but that in mama's opinion that would not be meaningful and satisfying. Mama hopes to raise you up as someone who cares deeply about the needs of others especially those who are marginalized and have no voice. The world needs more people who are compassionate, caring and seek for justice.

I hope to have a long and thoughtful discussion with you one day on what I have written here. You will soon discover that your mama is an idealist. And that's a story for another day. The following is something from Mr Lee that I feel strongly about and I shall leave it here for us to savour and digest.

"And that is why i feel life is an adventure: exciting, unpredictable and sometimes exhilarating.

 What is crucial is never to lose that joie de vivre. That zest of life. To watch the sun go down and wake up to a new day rested and refreshed after a good night."  ~Lee Kuan Yew, 2003

Always loving you,

Your imperfect mama

Related Posts:

• Letter to Olivia: You are 2!
• Letter to Olivia: The night before you turn one
• Letter to Olivia: Your birth story
• Letter to Olivia: The first three months
• Letter to Olivia: The glorious months

Become a fan of Winifred & You on Facebook.
Follow @WinifredLing on Twitter

My dearest Olivia, 

We've just celebrated your birthday party today with mostly mama's friends whose children have become your playmates too. And I am so thrilled when one of your own friends turned up after we have invited her because I knew how much she meant to you. At a tender age of two, you actually made a friend on your own at the gym and it is mutual! It is really sweet and beautiful to see the two of you play together. Her mama told me that you are A's first friend just as she is yours.

This highlights what a lovely and friendly child you are. In many circumstances you're usually the first to reach out to other children even though they may be older than you. Your curiosity and desire to socialise is something that we definitely encourage and nurture. Mama is very pleased that you usually enjoy hanging out with other children.

In general, you are a really sweet and sensitive child. You get along well with both adults and other children. Because of that we thought that you are ready to be in school. Your journey to formal learning started on January 5, 2015. You did pretty well for someone who has never been apart from your primary caregivers. Mama was both proud and sad. Proud that you're entering another world where there is so much to learn, new adventures and experiences to pursue on your own with your teachers and friends. Mama needs to learn to let go of my desire to keep you to myself and to a smaller circle of trusted people where we are your "world". To be perfectly honest, mama is adjusting to the fact that you're in school as much as you are. Perhaps, you are doing better than I am!

The past one year has been incredible. Your first year was amazing and the second year turned out to be just as exciting. We are often blown away as watch you develop physically, intellectually, mentally and emotionally. Your determination in overcoming the developmental hurdles is so strong that you teach me what grit is.

I remember vividly the time when you first learn how to flip over,  sit up, stand, cruise and walk. You never give up trying. Obstacles simply mean you are gonna try harder. I love that spirit and I pray that you will always have that in you.

For the record, you first walked independently and confidently on 22 May 2014. You were cruising for the longest time and able to take a couple of steps unassisted. On that particularly day, you decided to just walk and you did it so beautifully. I can still visualize the look and sense of accomplishment on your face. You were so thrilled and excited! The following day we went to the gym and again you seemed so amazed that you no longer need to hold on to anything when you walk. You walked with your arms wide open just to test if it were true. You had that joy and glow in you that was indescribable. Mama is so thankful that I managed to witness and share all these important milestones with you.

As young as you are, you've shown me how you can solve problems. With the goal in mind, you find ways to overcome obstacles and reach your goals. What I've read in books seem to be true for you. It's just so intriguing for me to observe and witness that in you. You continue to amaze me.

Mama loves to observe and listen to you now since you're communicating so much more. You show that you can understand instructions (you're mama's little helper) and you have your own preferences and opinions too. I love to hear your thoughts or when you give compliments to us like, "nice". You are mindful of your please and thank you and it warms my heart when you say it to those in the family without prompting. Your, "thank you kakak" never fails to make our helper feels appreciated and touched. I am very pleased that you don't take things for granted and has already started to express your gratitude to the people who have cared and loved you.

Today, you expressed that the birthday cake that I have baked for you was nice. You said thank you to mama's friend who has helped to bake and decorate the cake as well. It certainly makes me feel like we have done something right with you.

My dearest child, you have your dark side as well. When things do not go your way, you tend to bite, pinch and throw a major tantrum. In the last 2-3 months, the intensity of your tantrum has escalated. Mama understands that this is a normal developmental stage for you where you learn to assert your own preferences and ideas while you don't really have the physical and mental capacity to understand what's going on. Night terror is something else that has been plaguing us as well although we are grateful that the frequency has reduced.

When mama first heard from your teacher that you've been misbehaving in the second week of school by pushing/biting/bullying your classmates, I was sad and perplexed. You have never exhibited the tendency to hurt or bully other children when we were out in social events. In fact, you show compassion and empathy towards others. This was not consistent with the child that we have gotten to know. Thankfully, after some firm actions by the teacher and reinforcement at home, you are behaving much better now. Mama hopes that you continue to remain engaged and inspired in school and love learning and not be driven into boredom and the need to behave negatively in order to seek attention.

Letting you grow also means that I have to learn to accept your choices. Rather, I need to empower you to trust in your own choices by respecting you. For the past several weeks, mama has stopped being your number one and it was such a bitter pill to swallow. You no longer wanted me to do things for you. You have your own clear preference and despite knowing the fact that I was sad, you were clear with your choice. I couldn't get you to change your mind. But when you said to me that," "when mama is sad, baby is sad"

I knew that I am not to force you against your wishes. That despite knowing that i was not happy with your choice, you went ahead with it because that's what you really wanted.

This is such an important lesson for mama to learn. Mama didn't grow up with that sort of confidence. Mama grew up feeling that I had to obey and please others in order to get approval. Hence, watching you reacting differently has been a new experience for me. It is refreshing. I am really proud and pleased that you don't succumb to pressure. It also helps also that in the past week, you've started to want to be with mama more and mama knows that I am still important to you. It totally sucks to feel that mama can be redundant in your life. That was a truly scary thought.

My dearest child, as much as mama will always miss your baby days, I want you to know how proud and pleased I am that you are the amazing child that you are today. Your energy, sense of curiousity and wonderment, love and care for others has certainly impressed me. Your ability to connect with different members of the family and making each one pays attention to you reflects your remarkable understanding of social skills. I hope we will continue to nurture what is good in you.

Please do not ever forget that we love you very dearly. While we need to discipline and teach you what is right and wrong, you are never the issue. In you, i see what God has intended each of us to be - the image of God Himself. That each of us is good and worthy of love. There is nothing that you need to prove. Our love is a given, it's not something that you need to earn. May you always remain deeply secure in our and God's love for you.

On your second birthday, mama's wish for you is that you remain healthy, adventurous and open to new experiences. More importantly, you get to know more of God, the one who has gifted you to us. More than our child, you are God's beloved child and that is your identity. May we, your parents and godparents serve as a worthy mirror of God to reflect His steadfast and unchanging love to you. Pray with us that God will grant us the wisdom to guide and teach you in His ways. "Peacecyou" :)

Happy second birthday my dearest baby! We are so thankful for the gift of you.

Always loving you,

Imperfect Mama

We brought our little one for swimming in the public pool today. The picture shows her more than a year ago when she had her first dip in the water. Throughout the past year, her exposure to water was limited BabySpa with occasional dip in the private pool.

Witnessing her at the public pool today, I found learning moments from my almost 2 year old.

 1. It is okay to be afraid. Go into the water anyway.

As she grows older, my little girl seems to have developed a slight fear for water. She would grab tightly unto us when we go into the water. Still she would try to manage her fear and never said no or cry. I think that is the definition of "courage". Indeed, "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it" ~ Nelson Mandela.

2. Know your own limit.

As this was the first time O has been in a pool with so many features, the crowd and stimulation was rather overwhelming. We exposed her to different things in the hope of finding out what she prefers. Hence, she sat in her "boat"  as we went around the water features. Eventually, she verbalised that she would like to push the "boat" as she went about in the water. I find this an important skill to learn - understanding yourself and knowing what sort of risk you're willing to take. This lesson is not only applicable in swimming but life as well.

3. Dare to make your preference known.

When we wanted her to try to swim using the arm floats (instead of sitting in the float), she was able to articulate her preference that she wanted to sit in it. I think that the key to having children who are able to express their preferences and own views is to know that they will be heard in the first place. I am thankful that we have created a safe environment for her to know that her voice is important and she can also express her views even if they differ from what we want.

Children are the best teachers. There's much to learn from them. 

What have your learned from your child? Do share your experiences.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend.

It is the last day of 2014 and I have been spending the past several hours reflecting on the year that is about to close. 

As this blog is about living a flourishing life, the year in review will adopt the elements of flourishing life as defined in Positive Psychology of Well-Being.

There are five elements: Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishment or PERMA.

Positive Emotions

There is no shortage of positive emotions when you're raising a developing and growing child especially in the earliest year. The past year saw Olivia evolving from a baby who learned to crawl as we closed the year to someone who clearly has a mind of her own, able to articulate her preference and exert her influence. That process of witnessing her development fills me with a myriad of positive emotions including awe, joy, gratitude, hope, inspiration, amusement, serenity and interest. The increased positive emotions serves to sustain me when the going gets rough, which is par for the course when you're raising a young child.

There have been many new shared experiences with the hubby as we explored new places to eat (our passion) and visit together with our daughter. Creating new rituals bond us closer to each other as we learn what is important to us as a family.

The main difference between living in the US and coming back to Singapore is the extensive social support that I have. I have been able to reconnect with old friends from different stages of my life, makes new ones through new interest that I have as well as keeping in touch with my extended family via technology.

Engagement

I am totally engaged in my role as the mother of my child. She keeps me on my toes and there is never a dull moment, mostly challenging, frustrating and exasperating ones in addition to those wonderful moments described above. Still, these moments are important for my personal growth, as I continue to learn to navigate my role as a mother and the learning never ceases.

There certainly is high engagement in terms of my working life even as I gradually transition from a full-time to a part-time working mother. I am very blessed to find like-minded partners who appreciate my strengths and interests that we took a major leap of faith and incorporated a company called W3ave in early April this year. We are passionate about weaving flourishing relationships in different aspects of life and you will hear more about us in the coming year for sure.

I count myself very blessed to have bosses who value my work, life experiences and expertise that I found myself back in my role as a therapist for individual and couples at Promises shortly after my return to Singapore.

Relationships

It has been said and the evidence is plentiful that people with strong and broad social relationships are happier, healthier and live longer. With more time and closer proximity to people who matter to me, I have been able to invest in building a strong social network and strengthen my tribe.

Being at home allows me to spend time with my immediate family. Seeing how Olivia bonds with the extended family truly warms my heart. She knows who are the people that she can depend on in addition to her papa and mama.

In April, I was able to go on an all-girlfriend/bestie trip with my closest of friends. These girls have been my pillar for more than 20 years. Despite the distance, they have been my anchor and voice of reason. We have journeyed with one another through various life stages and I can only thank God for blessing me with each of them.

Throughout the year, i have met up with friends from different stages of my life, from secondary to high school friends to university, to ex-colleagues, blog friends and new friends that I have gotten to know through my interest in babywearing.

It's so wonderful to have friends who are in similar life stages and that our children can have playdates together. We can share our motherhood joys and woes, provide the listening and non-judgmental ears. My friends children become Olivia's playmates even though she is often the younger ones.

I love that we had many visitors that come to Singapore this year and we got the chance to visit good friends in Sydney when we visited in October.

As a married couple, we have also worked hard to ensure that marriage is flourishing. With the demands that comes from work and raising young child, marital relationship often takes a backseat. We made effort this year reconnect as couple, not just as parents of our child. We attended a marital course that allowed us to evaluate where we are in our relationship and what we can do to strengthen it. We also went on our first couple trip and it was refreshing to just focus on each other.

Relationship with myself is also important and that's something that has also taken a backseat since the arrival of Olivia. Hence, i made the hard to decision to go on a silent retreat that took me away from the family for about a week. It was truly a special time to reconnect with God and myself and it was a great way to end the year. It helps me to refocus and prioritize what is important to me and help me to move in the right direction in the coming year.

Meaning

I am strongly driven by meaning in life. One of the reasons why I started this blog in 2011 is because I wanted to share my story and reach out to others as well as  raise awareness for Moya Moya Disease. I am very glad that this year I managed to meet and provided support to a handful of moya-moya sufferers in person. Sharing my story and experience with them reminded me of how blessed I am to be in this position. It makes what i had gone through more worthwhile as I am able to inspire hope, information and support.

In the five years that I was in the US, I have been preparing myself by attending relevant courses, conferences and self-learning with the hope to better equip myself as a helping professional. I have enjoyed the learning process and it's very exciting to be able to translate them into actions. I am thankful that I found a profession that accords me the flexibility that I need as a mother and at the same time utilizing my signature strengths and expertise. That is truly meaningful to me!

Accomplishments

The following are the accomplishments that I am proud of for the year:

• Being Olivia's first teacher and witnessing how she has transformed and flourished in the last 12 months.
• Smooth transition back to Singapore after more than five years of living in the Bay Area.
• Transition back to work and the opportunities that came knocking.
• Setting up my own company with like-minded and most competent partners.
• Being able to reach out to friends who are in need.
• Travel to Osaka, Sibu (Malaysia), Sydney and Taipei with a toddler! The logistic!
• Taking charge and actions to improve our marriage.
• Ticking off my bucket list list of attending a silent retreat (something that I wanted to do for at least 7 years already.)

I am very grateful for 2014 and all the lessons that I have learned. Looking forward to the new year with much positivity and anticipation.

Thank you for reading and supporting this blog. Come, let's flourish together!

Happy New Year to you and yours.

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Can it be that seven years have passed since the second brain bypass operation and the stroke that accompanied it?

Yes, another anniversary is here and as I look back and reflect on the years that have passed, I am filled with gratitude and amazement. It literally was a second lease of life for me.

Here are the lessons that I have learned since then.

1. Faith is very important. Faith in God, in myself and in others. Other than my own training as a Psychologist, faith was and is the keeper and sustainer of my life. When the future looks bleak, faith reminds me to hang on just for another day. And faith has not failed me.

2. Opportunities present themselves when one dares to take risks. Since young, I have always been fearful of failure. That has prevented me from taking risks and it perpetuated itself like a vicious cycle.

In 2011 I decided to overcome my fear by embarking on a big project, my happiness project so to speak. I combined two of my loves - sharing and writing and that brought about the birth of Winifred & You: Flourishing Together.

I was filled with terror in the weeks leading up to the launch and the following few months. Putting oneself out there was very hard to do and when I did not get the response that I desired or the statistic showed a super low readership, I was disappointed and doubted myself.

It was truly an exercise of vulnerability; putting myself out there simply because I believe my voice and the messages that I like to share are important.

I persisted. I took it as a lesson in "enjoying failure", a concept that I was reading about. The journey was still hard but it did get better.

Three years on (happy anniversary to me!) the rewards for putting myself out there have been gratifying. I managed to reach out to other Moya Moya Disease patients and offer my help and support, which was my primary goal.

I have also been approached to be a Wizpert. Even though I haven't had much bandwith to update my blog regularly, I still receive emails from readers from time to time. Recently, theasianparent.com offered me the wonderful opportunity to sit on their panel of experts. I feel immense gratitude at the opportunties given to me.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained is absolutely true.

3. Nourish your tribe because they are the people whom you can draw support, love and help from no matter where you are and what life circumstances you may be in. I am thankful that I have always been dilligent in keeping in touch with my friends. In return, I have received so much more.

4. The attitude of gratitude does work if you bother to practice it. The power of positivity should not be undermined. With God's grace I managed to keep my spirit up and I was pretty positive throughout the entire ordeal. I believe that was one reason why I had the presence and clarity of mind to make the necessary decisions even though they were difficult.

5. Man proposes and God disposes and life is full of surprises. We planned and tried for a baby for couple of years and nothing happened. When it did, we were consumed by a myriad of feelings - joy, anxiety, fear of the unknown, hope. On hindsight, we acknowledge that man can only proposes and it is up to God to turn it into reality at the right time and place. This theme has repeated so many times in my life that I have no choice but to be convinced of it.

6. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Truth truth truth! Prior to my brain surgeries, what I feared most was getting a massive stroke. The thing is I did get a stroke (multiple strokes actually) and it was massive enough that it affected my cognitive functioning.

Yes, the rehabilitation was painful and till date, I am still impaired in my right peripheral visual field. It's hard for me to do basic math and calculations and I can't retain new facts very well.

The challenge that I face is that I look perfectly normal outwardly and yet whenever I find myself in situation where I am unable to function, I feel handicapped.

I never expected myself to be a stroke survivor (no one does i guess) but I am proud and thankful of how far I have come.

7. One needs to practice kindness and self-compassion. This is so important because life is full of challenges and we can't always be perfect. When we fail, it is important to learn to forgive and be kind. There are also many situations where we feel helpless as our loved ones go through suffering. In such moments, the only thing that we can do is to extend compassion for the frightened child within us.

8. The world is so so Big! In the 5 plus years where we made United States of America our home, we have travelled extensively, visited so many different places and experienced so much. Our life was enriched by what money cannot buy. It inspires us to pursue our love for travelling and to share it with our daughter.

Happy 7th anniversary to me! All glory and praise be to God.

P.S. As I write this post, my thought turns towards someone who is going through what I did 7 years ago. I hope this piece brings you hope and I wish you all the very best.

To all Moya Moya and/or stroke patients everywhere, you are not alone.

P.S.S. To all my faithful readers, thank you so so much for your support. I hope to get back to writing soon and I'll certainly appreciate your continual support. Come, let's flourish together!

Related posts: 

What I have learned:

• about happiness
• from walking the labyrinth
• from my illness
• from making NY resolutions

• Unusual Anniversaries
• Another September 17
• Power of Gratitude
  

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My dearest darling Olivia,

You are gonna be ONE tomorrow. What a monumental milestone for you and for us.

This has been such a momentous year filled with a myriad of feelings; from being overwhelmed to overjoyed and everything in between.

From the time mama first held you, I have fallen in love with you. Each day as I get to know you better, my love and admiration for you increases.

Mama learns so much from you; how you work really hard at learning new skills and hitting developmental milestones; how sweet and sensitive you are to the people around you; how you always manage to charm and capture the heart of those who meet you for the first time, how resilient and adaptable you are and most of all how curious, open and calm you are by nature.

When you smile or laugh, it is simply infectious. You truly laugh from your heart.

When you manage to learn a new skill, we explode with joy upon seeing that look of accomplishment on your face.

When you struggle and work so hard at perfecting the skill, it reminds mama to also be patient and keep trying and be better as well.

Who would have thought that a baby who is not even one is capable of being such a great teacher?

I thank God for the gift of you every single day. As you turn in for the night, I will spend some time simply looking at your beautiful face sleeping. In the silent of my heart, I whisper a big thank you to God for bring you into our lives. I feel extremely honoured and humbled that God has chosen me to be your mama.

I like to think that I must have done something good in my life that God brought you into my life. Upon deeper reflection, I realise that I was wrong. I haven't done anything to deserve you. God decides that I need you in my life so that I can continue to grow as a person and in particular as your mother.

To be called your mother is my greatest privillege, my darling baby.

To witness the dramatic changes from the teeny baby that you were at birth to the active, joyful and curious baby that you are today is nothing short of amazing.

Yet, there were times when mama felt overwhelmed and failed you. Mama has been impatient and careless and that led you to suffer quite unnecessarily. For that, I am truly sorry.

Still, when you look at me with such deep love I firmly believe that God has chosen you to show me what unconditional love is like.

Thank you baby for loving me so, despite my imperfection and shortcomings.

What a marvelous year this has been. The fond memories from your first year will be forever etched in my heart.

So my darling Olivia, mama's wish for you is that you will never lose your sense of identity as the beloved child of God. Continue to have the courage to explore the world and discover who you are and who you want to be. You have shown yourself to be such a strong fighter and I know there is so much more in you that are still hidden, waiting to be nurtured and honed.

Know that mama and papa will always be here for you through every season of your life. We will walk with you to the highest height and the lowest pit, praying that we will have the wisdom, patience and grace to guide you along the way.

Happy first birthday my sweetest child. May God continue to bless you with good health, wisdom and grace. You are so so loved. Never ever forget how important and precious you are to us.

Related Posts:

• Letter to Olivia: Your birth story
• Letter to Olivia: The first three months
• Letter to Olivia: The glorious months

Before 2013 ended, quite by chance we ended up doing a last minute family photo shoot with Kevin's Fotografik Experience. It was casual and fun.

I decided to use this particular shot to wish all of you a very happy and blessed New Year 2014! It captures our baby's spunky and joyful personality and just as it brings a big smile to me, I hope it does to you too.

From our little family to the bigger family of Winifred & You, may this New Year bring great promises, love and opportunities to flourish.

The past year was all about adjusting to being a mother. I didn't have much energy left to do anything else.

This year, I aim to spend a little bit more time doing things that I enjoy; in particular to share my experience, reflections and knowledge through blogging.

So, thank you so much for your ongoing support despite the lack of posts and updates. In due time, I hope to relaunch this website and furnish it with relevant, thoughtful and useful content especially in living a purposeful, positive and flourishing life. I look forward to your fervent support.

Make each day count! Have a blessed year ahead.

Love,

Winifred.

My dearest baby, 

Another three months have passed with you in our lives. What amazing and joyful time it has been for us. No wonder some people dub the period between four to six month as the golden period. How true. I truly enjoy this stage and cherish every moment.

This is the time when you started to become more aware of your surrounding, you coo, chuckle, squeal and laugh in delight. We try hard every day to amuse you just to get a response out of you. And when you do, mama's heart explodes with indescribable joy and all's right with the world.

Recently, mama did your very first photo book. As I was looking through your newborn pictures, it brought back many fond memories. Noting how much you have grown and changed over the last few months reminds me to savour every moment. From sleeping much of the time, you have morphed into a relatively active baby who is so full of curiosity and life.

You give us your toothless smile (which is oh so cute) in the morning when you wake up. You chuckle and laugh when you're in the mood. You love it when we have visitors and you like to be part of the group. When we sing, dance and perform, you show your delight.

Physically, you have become much stronger. Kicking your legs seem to be one of your favourite activities. Your kick can be quite strong and powerful for someone small like you. You've learned to play with the mobiles on the activity mat and rocker. You no longer just sat there and watch.

Mama is very glad to witness the changes before my eyes each day. Sometimes, it is so subtle and happens so fast that I can't be sure if it's a new skill that you're showing me. That's how rapid your development is. 

For a period of time, you enjoy smacking your lip, clicking your tongue and winking. Since birth, you're not one who needs the pacifier to comfort yourself. You'd much rather suck your own fingers. Sometimes you try to stuff your entire fist into your mouth. It's quite cute to watch. These are some of the things that you've learned in your fourth month.

Thanks to you, mama celebrated her first mother's day in May. Becoming a mum is a dream come true. Having a baby as sweet as you is beyond my wildest dream. Mama is so thankful for the gift of motherhood and I just love being your mama.

Just to illustrate how sweet and kind you are, you slept through the night for the very first time a week before Mother's Day! How wondeful to clock in extra sleep.

Within the same month, there were two other highlights.

First, you received your US passport. Yay! Due to some mistake, the application for your passport was delayed and we were concerned that it may not be ready in time for your first trip to Singapore in June.

Secondly, we had another photoshoot for you and you were such a pro. From the start to the end, it took us only 40 minutes with four changes of clothes. The photographer was truly impressed with how easy you were.

Oh yes, in early June you started to laugh and chuckle. It brings such delight to us that we try hard to make you laugh whenever possible. We are not always successful. Yet it did not deter us from trying. Once, you burst out laughing quite randomly. All of us in the room couldn't help but laughed along with you! Your laughter is super infectious, my darling.

Few weeks before our trip to Singapore, mama started to feel anxiety rising. Mama was worried about hundred and one things. Will you be okay on the flight? How are you going to respond to jet lag? How is the trip gonna mess up your schedule? Et cetera, et cetera.

The anxiety was not all bad as it prompted us to prepare ourselves. I started to carry you in the sling more to practise as I foresee that's how I'll be bringing you around. The bonus is it was a great way to get you to nap.

The day arrived and you took your first long haul flight at the grand age of 21 weeks on June 14.

What we noticed was that you seemed to be aware that it was not an ordinary day. You were alert and excited. From the moment we took the cab till we reach the airport, all through the check in and security you were awake. And you didn't fuss! It was only when we were about to board that you started to fuss because you were hungry.

Because you were so hungry and tired, you dozed off after a quick feed just before the take off. Consequently, we didn't manage to get you to suck on the pacifier to equalize. Shortly after, you realised something was not right and woke up crying when we were up in the air. Thankfully you took to the pacifier and that calmed you down. To our surprise, you slept for five to six hours straight after that.

You are a great traveler and we are so very proud of you, baby.

Here's an important lesson that I learn. Whenever I feel worried and anxious about you, I remind myself that I need to assume strength in you rather than weakness. That you can cope and we will be there for you to help soothe and comfort you. The bottomline is you will be fine. Indeed, many of my concerns were unfounded because you're a calm, open and adaptable baby.

When we reached Singapore, you seemed to realise that it is a new place and I saw that curiosity in your eyes again. We made it! Singapore is your home too and there are so many people who have been waiting to meet you in person.

I can see that you enjoyed your time in Singapore tremendously where life was so much more exciting with lots of new faces and people giving you tonnes of attention. We've always known that you're a social baby and truly you're in your element around people. Always generous with your smile, you endear yourself to those who meet you for the first time quite easily.

On hindsight, your first trip to Singapore was most eventful. In the first week that we were there, it was unfortunate that we experienced a terrible haze and the PSI readings hit a record high of more than 400, which is hazardous for health. Thankfully, the situation improved subsequently.

Second incident was we got stuck in the elevator for several minutes at a mall! Of course, you were none the wiser as your aunt and I kept as calm as we could  so as not to alarm you. That same day, you showed us how adaptable you were. As we were out, we couldn't find a baby room in time and your milk turned cold. You usually like it warm but in time of need, you adapt! Well done, sweetheart.

The third incident was a huge one. The day we arrived back in the Bay Area was the day when Asiana Crash occurred. We received the news from the captain that the airport was close about 45 minutes before landing. Consequently, we had to reroute and ended up waiting in Sacramento airport for several hours.

Even the adults were getting restless being stuck in a plane, not knowing whether we could get home that day. Also we were running out of milk for you! Thank God, the airport opened and we managed to get home within the day. It was the longest flight ever for us and you were such a trooper that you still managed to smile for mama at the end of the long ordeal.

Couple of weeks before our trip to Singapore, you started to spit up more regularly. This worsened while you were in Singapore and you threw up almost every other day. Your feeding pattern changed as well. You fed poorly and mama couldn't help but be concerned. Still you remained cheerful and unperturbed even when you were throwing up. I supposed it's true that this is more of a laundry problem rather than a real problem. It has improved since we are back but you still spit up several times a week. Hope this won't last too long.

The day after we were back, we noticed that you managed to hold your head up in the car seat. Hurray! You've achieved good head control. Another developmental milestone that we thought you hit was turning from front to back, while you were in Singapore. You managed to do it three times in a row.

However since then, you have not been able to repeat it totally. Papa and mama notice that you try really hard during tummy time to turn and it clearly frustrates you when you can't.

We want to commend you for trying hard, my darling. This is an important trait that we like to nurture in you. There is no hurry for you to turn, crawl or walk. We don't need you to hit the milestones right on target especially since you were born earlier. Take your time and continue to work hard and you will get there eventually.

At your sixth month check up, your doctor was really pleased with your growth and overall health. We are very very pleased too in addition to feeling extremely grateful. You are now a robust, healthy and happy baby, very different from the tiny baby we held in our arms more than six month ago. You look different too. It always warm my heart when I see the same facial expressions that you've had since birth.

My sweet baby, you are such a gift to us. When I look at you, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful and wonderful you are. Even at this young age, you exude so much love. You demonstrate your love openly and these are the moments that I live for.

One incident that I don't want to forget. One particular afternoon, you were hanging out with papa while mama took a nap. When I picked you up after the nap, you looked and smiled at me with so much love as though you're saying, "I've missed you mama and I am so glad to see you."

Yes, motherhood is difficult, physically exhausting and monotonous but when you smile or laugh, you make it worthwhile. You also give me the burst of energy to keep going and do better. There is still so much that mama needs to learn on this journey and I thank you for being so patient with me. Mama prays that she too will be patient with herself and persevere to give her all to you.

Mama also learn to appreciate the moment with you. There were many times when you laughed so heartily that I wanted to take my phone and record it for memory's sake. Interestingly, you were not quite willing to repeat your performances. I learn that I should just enjoy that moment with you instead of capturing it.

Baby girl, each day we thank God for choosing us to be your parents. What a great privilege this is. We look forward to more of you, knowing that you will continue to surprise and amaze us. You are our sunshine and you make the world more wonderful simply by being in it. Continue to grow well and be healthy dear baby.

You are beautiful and stunning just the way you are. Papa and mama love you dearly.

Love,

Mama

By all accounts, this orchid is ordinary.

Yet, there is a beautiful story behind it.

This pot of orchid was given to me when I gave birth to my daughter. Not one with green finger, the plant died a few weeks after it has blossomed. Or so I thought.

We left the pot at the balcony, intending to clear it when we have the time.

Unknowingly, my nanny has been watering this pot from time to time.

Her effort bore fruit because few days ago she spotted several buds on the branch. Excitedly, she moved the plant indoor. It has been such a pleasure to watch each bud blossoms the past week.

I am impressed by two things and these are lessons that I want to remember and share with you today.

Firstly, the resilient of the flower. While it's not exactly a miracle, I truly did not expect it to bloom again. Especially when it was completely neglected when we were away for about three weeks. Yet, it survived. Correction. It did not only survive but it blooms. 

Secondly, my nanny's persistence. She kept on watering the plant for more than five months even when there was no sign to suggest that it will bloom. That kind of endurance is admirable. All credit goes to her that we get to enjoy this gorgeous orchid today.

Perhaps you're in a situation where you feel that your effort is futile. My wish is that you will find hope in this simple story. Sometimes, we just need to do our part consistently. And when we least expect it we receive our sweet rewards. Don't give up.